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alex jones epic

1 Name: Anonymous 2018-01-18 20:07
Nine months ago
Out of college with a degree in journalism
Yeah, I know, a degree in journalism
Looking for jobs near my home in Austin, TX
Apply to various small newspapers
Even The Statesman, the biggest newspaper in the city
No go
One day, I get an email from a girl named Mystee who says she works for the Genesis Communications Network and knows I’ve been looking for some sort of reporting/editorial job
I answer yes, and schedule an interview at the given address for that coming Thursday
That day, I get in my car and drive to the address
But it’s not an office
It’s a barbecue restaurant
Stiles Switch BBQ, good place
I freak out, recheck my GPS, the email
It’s definitely this address
Befuddled, I go in, tell the guy at the waiting desk I’m here for an interview with someone from GCN
Oh, thank god you’re here
What?
He leads me way, way back towards the opposite wall
And there
In a booth
Is Alex Jones
I obviously know who Alex is, so I’m sort of freaking out
He smiles, stands up, gives me a hug
This dude hasn’t even seen my resume
”You ready to fight the good fight, bro?”
I tell him I’m interested in working in Austin’s journalistic community
I try to stay far, far away from telling him I want to work for him or his BS site
He orders us both brisket platters
”You know, I think you’ve got the mug of an info warrior”
I just sort of nod, sip on my Sprite
He asks me all sorts of weird shit - if I’ve ever worked for the government, if I’m gay
Every two-three questions, he fist bumps me
”Let me tell you something, Jason, I do put one hundred and ten percent into this fight”
My name’s not Jason
Finally, our meals get here
”Thanks sweetie - we’ll take that in a to-go container”
I ask Alex where we’re going - I’d imagine his main office, right?
”I know you said you’d give your life for this fight”
What?
”So let me show you the true enemy”
Alex asks if we can store the food in his car
I tell him sure, but I don’t have any way to keep it from spoiling
He tells me there are preservatives on ‘the front lines’ to keep them edible
Okay
We start walking down the street
And walking
And walking
It’s like 5 PM, we’ve been walking in silence for near an hour and a half
I could just say fuck it and leave
But I also really need a job
My parents have threatened to kick me out if I don’t find one soon
So, I trek on
Finally, Alex just stops alongside a major highway
2 Name: Anonymous 2018-01-18 20:07
”And now…we wait”
So we do
For another half an hour
Finally, a large black van pulls alongside the side of the road
Alex hops in the passenger seat without saying a word to me
He pokes his head out the window
Looks at me
So I hop in too
The van keeps going for maybe forty minutes into a small-ass town called Niederwald
Alex keeps muttering to the driver, a young black guy with glasses, about how scared he is for his family
Niederwald seems to be mostly grass and the occasional house
Alex peeks behind to look at me
”Jason, I read that you consider a major skill to be head-on tackling a problem.”
That sentence seems astoundingly stupid to me, but I just nod and say “Yeah, definitely”
Finally, we pull into a dirt road and keep going for maybe twenty minutes
I’m pretty sweaty, tired
Chilling with Alex Jones in a black van
Finally, we stop next to an old bridge
We climb out, Alex and I, and the van just…drives off
What the fuck
”Jason, come help me out here”
He’s standing over a weird metal hatch, like in Lost
If you’ve ever seen that show
I help him open it
It’s pretty heavy, obviously hasn’t been opened in a long time
”I bet this is the craziest first day of work you’ve ever had”
First day of work? The fuck?
Then, Alex hops down into the opening of this hatch
I decide to follow suit, if only because it’s getting dark
I figure Alex is too famous to just murder me out here
The tunnels are dark, so I use my phone as a flashlight
And I
Cannot
Find
Alex Jones
I wander around for a long-ass time, and these tunnels just sort of lead into empty metal rooms
Every once in a while I’ll hear a ‘clang’ and I’ll shout out ‘Alex?’
Alex never did introduce himself to me by name
I guess he just assumes everyone knows who he is
Finally, I come across a room with this weird, fuzzy insolation on the walls
And standing there is Alex Jones
Alex, as I’m sure you all know, is totally insane
Talks about how this place was tunnel system for an inter dimensional vampire society
Says this room is where they ‘siphoned energy’
What the fuck?
He tears down some of this insolation
Asks me to help him
So, I do
Who was that black dude driving the van?
Finally, we get it all down
And there, in front of us, is an elevator
At this point, I’m visibly shaken
It’s an old-time elevator, the kind where the door is sort of open, it doesn’t completely cover the front
Alex grabs my shoulder
”Look Jason, I know you’re scared bro, but you said you wanted to be an info warrior”
I never said that
He tells me most of his ‘on site’ employees go down to…wherever this place is
3 Name: Anonymous 2018-01-18 20:08
”You will face your own personal demon, but I need you to think of it as a spiritual experience, Jason”
Yeah, okay
”I’ll be with you every step of the way, buddy”
Oh god, please no
He steps into the elevator and pulls something
I get into
And we descend into pure darkness
Silence
Then, a very loud CLANG
We’ve ‘landed’ so to speak
Alex and I both use our phones as light, but I’m getting no signal
And on the walls
I have never seen so much blood
I let out a scream
”Don’t worry, that’s not blood.”
Oh, okay
”It’s this weird, semen-like substance the vampires used to create a message to their dark lord”
Yeah, much better
Whatever it is, it’s all over the walls in this weird rune language
Alex tells me they generally act as prayers to the Satanic lords of the inter dimensional vampires
Okay
It’s really dark and hard to see
Finally we get to a door
”Okay, Jason, this is the one room where they remain”
The fuck?
I could run right now, but I don’t know how to work the elevator and I’m not sure I’d make it through those tunnels
I know Alex is fucking crazy, so who knows what’s really beyond the door
”It will - I mean this - it WILL take the form of your own personal demon”
That doesn’t reassure me
I open this weird metal door
And I shut it behind me
Suddenly, I feel a rock hard penis on my ass
"You ready for this, Jason?"
My name's not Jason
As I guessed, it was Alex's cock
"Are you gay? It's a simple yes or no question."
I say yes
IP #5 to enter the thread
So, I’ll try my best to describe the room to you
It’s sort of like a classroom
But no seats, just a big desk in the front
And a projector
Some weird, creepy-ass objects on the floor
A rattle, a teddy bear, some old comic books
And a journal
I pick it up
Star reading it
Well, shit
It’s from a young Alex Jones
Young Alex was apparently ‘taken here’ for a dentist appointment
Left in this room to ‘watch the reports’ and ‘receive treatment’
Damn
I put the journal down
Look around the room, see nothing
Then, suddenly, the lights turn on
And so does the projector
An older, professor-looking dude appears on the screen
4 Name: Anonymous 2018-01-18 20:09
He starts talking about the ’Doronas Procedures’
I don’t speak conspiracy theorist - not that it’s much of a conspiracy for me at this point
It seems as though some mason-like group was ‘chemically tracing’ wealthy Texan families and recruiting kids
The kids were taught like in school, but also received chemical treatments and ‘psi-op conditioning’ to make them harder to kill or otherwise manipulate
Jesus
This video lasts maybe forty-five minutes, detailing the ‘enemies’ that these kids would face when they were older
Very weird, creepy shit
Then, when it’s over, the lights shut off
I run to the door, banging screaming
I am freaking out
And, like that, it opens
The lights are on in the hall now
And Alex is standing by the elevator now, looking very somber
”Do you see why I do this now?”
I guess so.
What do we do now?
”Let’s go to the club, Jason.”
So when we work our way up, the van is back
We get in, drive to Austin
Not a word is said
And then, just like that, we arrive at Plush nightclub
Alex jokes that he’s glad he’s divorced, so he can go to these places more often
Me, Alex, and the black dude go in, the music is super loud dance music
Alex, I suppose, knows the guy at the door, because we all get in no problem
I go to the bar, get drinks, can’t find Alex
I find myself drinking quite a lot
Then, suddenly, a beautiful woman approaches me
She says Alex wants to talk to me upstairs
I go inside some office, Alex and the black dude are there
I don’t know his name, should probably stop calling him black dude
But anyway, Alex grabs my arm and says
”Jason, what if I told you this was a globalist haven and ninety percent of those people down there want to eat you alive and then eat your family?”
I want to tell him he’s crazy
But I don’t
Alex tells me to find the most beautiful looking woman down on the dance floor and whisper in her ear the word ‘sensational’
Okay
I could have just walked out, but fuck it, I’m intrigued and it’s Alex fucking Jones
He was on Joe Rogan
I get on the dance floor, sort of buzzed, and I find a hot looking babe with blonde hair, cute bangs
We dance for a bit before I whisper in her ear ‘sensational’
She looks like I just stroked her G-spot
I head back to the office, and she follows
I head in, no one is there
Just me..and her
Then suddenly she throws over the desk
And the lamps
She is trashing this place
What the fuck?
”I’m checking this place for bugs. Fucking socialists”
When she’s done, she grabs me by the shirt and starts making out with me
Oh, shit
Then, all of the sudden
She spits two green balls into my mouth
No fucking way
I spit those things back out
They look like slimy Tennis balls
5 Name: Anonymous 2018-01-18 20:11
She looks like I just killed her babies
”You do not accept the gifts of the fallen?”
Uh…what
She screams at me, almost in gibberish
The slime balls at my feet are sort of evaporating
This chick starts crying
What the fuck?
She starts clawing at me and shit
More screaming
Then, she just slams the door and leaves
Alex emerges from the closet
What the fuck?
He was in the closet?
Where’d the black guy go?
”Jason what you said to her was a demonic mating ritual codeword”
Yeah, makes perfect sense
”You just killed two globalist arch-demons”
I’m more amused than scared at this point
”Which means, in about thirty seconds, this club is going down - HARD.”
So, we speed - SPEED - down the street, away from this nightclub
I’m still buzzed from my drinks
Having a good time, even though I’m all tied up in this shit now
Maybe working with Alex wouldn’t be so bad
”So, uh, Jason, you ever heard of this idea of controlled opposition?”
No, what is it?
Alex starts chuckling
He explains that sometimes you have to control your enemy to make them more understandable or something
I wonder if Alex had anything to drink at the club
He cranks up the volume on the radio as soon as ‘All Along the Watchtower’ starts playing
The Hendrix version, that is
We stop suddenly.
And there, outside
Is my grandmother's house
Naturally, I am fucking upset
Has Alex been stalking me?
Or..or…my grandma?
”Mike, look, I need you to relax a sec, buddy because Granny Goodness in there is not who you think she is.”
What the fuck does that mean?
My name’s not Mike, either
Alex pulls out a laptop from under his seat
Shows me a long list of files
One is called ‘SupremeC1068.ifw’
Jesus…
He opens it and it’s like the Matrix
All these letters and numbers and shit
”Mike, this is not a joke. You’ve been the victim of heavy conditioning. Do you know who Madeline Albright is?”
No
”Look her up.”
I google her name.
She was…secretary of state under Clinton, I guess?
I’m not a big politics guy
And then, I hit the wikipedia page
And on that screen is my grandmother
Holy fucking shit
Look, Alex, this looks just like her but -
”No, Jason, it IS her, do you understand me?”
Alex is getting heated
6 Name: Anonymous 2018-01-18 20:23
Jesus….
How…how is that even possible?
Alex tells me the globalists can suck souls and live forever
This does really…really look like my grandma
Alex tells me that Madeline, or well, Grandma, is going to use an upcoming election to get some ‘very, very’ bad people elected
And this…somehow…will lead to an inter dimensional invasion that Alex was bred to destroy
I think he might be high
But this really, really, really looks like my grandma
Okay, so…what do we do?
”It’s simple, Ramsey…you ever seem Ghostbusters?”
Alex pulls out a backpack
His seat must have some TARDIS shit going on
No, I’m not a Doctor Who fan, I just know what the TARDIS is
But not Madeline Albright, so that shows you where my priorities are
Anyway, Alex takes these pills/vitamin drops and shit and just fucking inhales them
He’s taking so much of this shit, it can’t be healthy
Then, he pulls out what looks like a smoke detector
This is his plan:
This device can detect ‘super souls’ and will switch their frequency so that they lower themselves to another dimension
So why not use them at the people in the club?
Alex won’t say
So I’m supposed to go to my grandma’s house
Who may or may not be Madeline Albright
And use this on her
Well…fuck it
I tell Alex I’ll do it, if he can guarantee my a job and decent pay
”Franklin, you know I will”
He hugs me
We hug for like…two minutes
Then, I exit the van
Walk across the street
Ring the doorbell (it’s like 1 AM)
And the door swings open
Oh, Anon…you’re here so late!
Yeah, uh sorry grandma, I just…I was drinking and needed a place to stay
Shitty excuse, but better than the truth
Well, come on in
She sniffs
Do you smell…anything, anon?
Nope.
Well…maybe it’s just my old nose
She does this cute grandma laugh
If Alex was fucking with me or some shit I will be pissed
We sit at her coffee table
She’s obviously very tired
Suddenly, she looks at the device in my hand
Oh…Anon…what is that
I uh…
Discreetly, I press the button on this thing
Nothing happens
Then…
Shit happens
Suddenly, my grandma’s face starts like…dropping…?
Like she’s having a stroke
Oh shit!
What the fuck have I done?
Then, I swear to god, my grandma - or well, Albright
Her head starts like screaming
7 Name: Anonymous 2018-01-18 20:30
She screams my name in this demonic-ass voice
ANON!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!
She stars like…exploding
First her arm
Then her leg
Shit, shit, shit
The ground - starts shaking!
What the fuck?
In this demonic voice, I hear
”You who must be bequeathed shall not become thine sanctimony!”
I run the fuck out of there as my grandma starts to explode and her house begins to fall apart
I fucking dash out of there like a cheetah
Oh shit, oh shit!
I make it outside
I leap out of the yard
And turn around just long enough to see my ‘grandma’s’ house envelop into a portal of pure light
There’s nothing there now
It’s like the house was never there at all
The device is gone too - I must have dropped it
Sweet jesus, I am scared
But…I guess it’s all over now
I run to the opposite side of the road
But the van’s gone
In it’s place are two white containers and a duffle bag
In the bag are rolls of money
Wow
I mean - really I could be set for life with this much
Provided I lived simply
The container next to it looks familiar
I open it
My brisket dinner, still piping hot
Then, I notice one last thing
A sticky note
On the container
I pick it up and read it
”Thanks a lot, Anon. For everything.”
THE END

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